Beauty in the breakdown.

It looks like i've been breaking my promises lately. I've been sulking about things, and wishing some problems would go away or solve themselves. I've been losing myself and right now i'm on a vast search for who i am. Along with searching for answers however i've been running into trouble. I've been a nuisance and i thought it was already bad a few people hated me. The number seems to have doubled, and the molestation rate has gone up as well. You could say i was caught up in myself or in other people, which is part of my problem, but when i finally opened my eyes, i found many things were wrong. I've ignored everyone, the relationships, the hardships and i even stopped communicating with others as well. I expected for nothing to go wrong, and them to accept me like nothing happened. Picking up one of my notebooks i had supposedly lost with the words "Fuck you," on them read caught me off guard.

Tons of times i've been told to ignore what people say about me. This was unintentional. I was all over my girlfriend, communication or not, i was immersed in the idea of her, and i'm guessing everything revolved around her. I understand how they felt. How my close friends, and even the bystanders felt when i would ignore everything having to do with them. I left when she left, I talked about her all the time, i was even attempting to go into the same program as her[not for her sake], it was like i was some lost puppy or something. Things even became so frustrating i couldn't take myself any longer, and i'd cry multiple times and call myself an idiot. I was practically asking for the sympathy. I never thought myself as clingy, because we weren't around each other for long. But i guess i was a different kind.

So finding that she walked a path in which i was not included, i strayed to somewhere far. I still refuse to talk much about it online though. I'd admit i finally understand when they say this shit hurts. Because it does. Regardless of how happy it made you then, or how sad it made you now. When your not on their mind. Obviously there are more important things. Life doesn't revolve around you, yet you think about them whenever the silence occurs. Your prioritizing kicks you in the face with a steel toe boot and yet the mark it leaves is their name imprinted in blood.

I'll admit, of course i still love her. Regardless if the feeling is mutual, lost or forgotten. And yes i'd ask her out the same way i did February eleventh. Because i believe it was worth everything. Even if it wasn't the same for her. And even if she happen to not care.

I'll learn the equation to this problem, and solve it eventually without as much difficulty as i have now.

I'll learn about myself, and others.

And yet again i'll be baffled by this thing people call love.
I used to not believe in such a word people throw around.
You can't love someone if you don't dare love yourself.
And how can you love yourself if you have yet to find you?

Wish me some luck.